How to Overcome Jealousy in a Relationship through Mindfulness
Can Mindfulness Really Help You Overcome Jealousy in a Relationship?
Yes, absolutely! If you ever asked yourself, “How do I stop being jealous and insecure?” or “How do I stop being jealous and overthinking in a relationship?”, then this is for you!
Today, I’m sharing a story that will shift your perspective about difficult emotions and teach you how to manage jealousy—and other uncomfortable feelings—through mindfulness.
Even as a mindfulness meditation teacher, I’ve experienced it myself.
While I don’t love admitting that, I’ve learned that it’s okay—and, more importantly, that mindfulness can help.
Hi there, I’m Rebecca!
I’m a mindfulness meditation instructor with 10 years of experience and I’ve guided over 1,000 private mindfulness meditation classes.
I help women cultivate self-awareness and confidence so they can navigate uncomfortable emotions with greater ease and have more control over their responses.
In this discussion, we’re going over:
how my jealousy was triggered (are you ready for a story?)
how jealousy felt when it hit me unexpectedly (curious to know if it feels the same for you?)
how we can overcome jealousy in a relationship through mindfulness (this process also works with other challenging emotions)
Back In My Eat. Pray. Love. Era
During my time as a nomad traveling the world, I twice lived in a Buddhist center for three months, participating in a resident volunteer program.
It was such a great opportunity to be of service and learn more about Buddhist teachings and traditions. Plus, it was the perfect space to deepen my meditation practice.
This is me back in Jan 2018! I’m wearing glasses sitting next to Geshe Namdak who was the resident teacher.
When I arrived at the Buddhist Center, I was eager to meet the other volunteers and those I’d be working with for the next three months. Everyone seemed great, but one person stood out the most—we’ll call him James.
James and I shared a deep desire for spiritual growth, which created an instant connection. We spent a lot of time together and bonded over long conversations about different spiritual practices, traditions and philosophies.
Naturally, we grew closer and started dating, and we even traveled to India to see the Dalai Lama. It was fun while it lasted, but in the end we weren't so compatible and eventually it fizzled out.
June 2018 in India. We went to see the Dalai Lama give a talk on compassion in Dharmsala. Can you spot me?
When I reflect back on that relationship, two things always come to mind:
meeting the Dalai Lama - obviously a highlight!
and the moment I experienced intense jealousy, which became an unexpected opportunity for personal growth
Even though this was such a difficult feeling to experience, I had learned a valuable lesson about uncomfortable emotions and how to overcome them through mindfulness.
So, are you ready for a story?!
The Moment Jealousy Took Over
Most of my days at the Buddhist Center were happily spent at the front desk. I managed bookings, answered phone calls and helped visitors learn about special events and various programs on Buddhism—I loved it!
Me in my happy place!
One morning while I was running the front desk, James walked by and unexpectedly disrupted my peace. He told me he was going to have lunch with “Sarah” and immediately my mind went into overdrive.
Thoughts like, "Who is Sarah? Why is he meeting her? Is he cheating?!" were running through my head.
I replied, "Oh, that's nice" with a flat tone and forced smile. (I'm not very good at hiding my emotions.) I continued to look busy and calm, while inside felt much different.
As James left to the courtyard to meet his friend, I struggled with a whirlwind of thoughts and sensations. I suddenly felt dizzy, confused and overwhelmed.
Have you ever felt this?
A few minutes later, I stormed off to the kitchen to spy on James and Sarah from the window. (I promise I'm not normally so creepy.) They looked happy and delighted in each other's company and I felt nauseated and annoyed.
As I turned away, the voices in my head started again and grew louder.
"James is so wrong. Who does she think she is? She's not even that pretty. He's such a jerk!"
As these thoughts took over my mind, I painfully watched my unconscious self amplify hurtful stories, which further fueled my discomfort.
I felt agitated, as if I were spiraling into a black hole and kept thinking, “Why am I so jealous and insecure all the time?”
My breathing was erratic, my body felt unbearable and my mind went off like a high-pitched siren, drowning out my judgment.
I wasn't really sure what was happening, but after a few moments of huffing and puffing, I said to myself; "Whooaaaa Rebecca, what is wrong with you?! Take a few breaths and try to calm down".
So I did.
Reacting vs. Responding: The Power of Pausing and Observing Your Thoughts and Emotion
I took a few deep breaths and wondered, “How do I gain confidence and stop being jealous?”. I eventually calmed my breath and a moment later, I recalled my mindfulness meditation practice—how I always began with a short breathing exercise to calm my energy.
In mindfulness meditation, we begin by consciously focusing on the breath to settle our energy and cultivate presence. Then, we observe our inner experience with compassion and without judgment.
Even though I wasn’t formally practicing mindfulness meditation in that moment, I started actively noticing my negative thoughts and unpleasant emotions in a more objective manner.
This is why intentionally pausing during a challenging moment is so important. It allows us to slow down, observe what’s happening and avoid getting swept away by our thoughts and emotions.
This is mindfulness in practice.
In that space of awareness, we gain clarity and respond more consciously. Rather than being controlled by our thoughts and feelings, we reclaim control through the practice of non-judgmental presence.
As I continued observing my thoughts—rather than being carried away by them—I realized that I had insecurities that needed attention. I also saw how my mind was creating stories that weren’t true or serving me in any way.
With this newfound awareness, I had a quiet moment of self-reflection before blurting out loud, “Oh wow, I’m experiencing jealousy, and I feel insecure.”
Admitting this was not easy, but it was honest and in that moment, I realized how liberating and comforting it felt to validate my experience. I kept mindfully observing and noticed that I believed she was better than me, which made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.
As I continued to notice more, I reminded myself that whatever I was experiencing—jealousy and insecurity or negative thoughts—it was all okay.
Acceptance is a key part of mindfulness, and I was no longer fighting my thoughts or feelings—I was accepting them.
Just then another realization hit me! I understood how important it was to accept myself—my thoughts and feelings—just as they were.
This didn’t mean they were true; it simply meant I was allowing them to exist without resistance, which freed up a lot of energy and naturally helped me transition to the next step.
Reframing My Thoughts to Overcome Jealousy
I was there for a moment noticing the hurtful stories in my head and I realized I could let them go or tell myself a better story:
"Rebecca, how you're feeling is okay. You're just as good as she is, you're both beautiful in your own way, you are good enough. James is free to have female friends and this doesn't mean he is doing something wrong."
Going through this process took time and lots of compassionate Presence, but it allowed me to process my thoughts effectively, accept my feelings and work through the sensations in my body.
As I stood in the kitchen, I became aware of a slight headache, tightness in my chest and a knot in my stomach. Gradually, the tension in my body began to dissolve as I focused on taking slow, steady, deep breaths.
Within moments, I felt 1,000 times better.
It took patience, compassion and a high level of unwavering discerning awareness to move through this experience, but this is an example of how to overcome jealousy in a relationship through mindfulness.
I have to give credit to my mindfulness meditation practice because it helped cultivate me a high level of self-awareness and compassion to effectively manage this super difficult moment.
I had practiced these steps a 1,000 times before in meditation, but now it was moving into my everyday life! It felt so empowering and liberating and the same is possible for you too!
We hosted an event at the local museum showing how monks make art according to Buddhist tradition. (I wonder if monks have worked through their jealousy issues?)
A Lesson in Emotional Awareness and Regulation
I left the kitchen feeling calm and centered and returned to the front desk hopeful that James and Sarah were having a good time.
When James came back from the courtyard to greet me, I cheerfully asked how lunch had been. He replied that his friend was having some difficulties.
James was always a good listener and I was genuinely happy he was there to support Sarah. I was also happy I had a moment to cool down and re-center myself before seeing him again.
He asked if I was okay as before it seemed something was bothering me and I replied, “Everything is good”.
The old Rebecca vs. The new Rebecca
The old Rebecca would have struggled to share this story because I would have felt ashamed and embarrassed. But, the more honest I am about my thoughts and emotions (with others and myself), the better I can manage them and turn a painful experience into an opportunity for growth.
Everyone experiences emotions, including jealousy. Emotions aren’t good or bad, they just all feel different.
I hope sharing my story has helped you learn how we can use mindfulness to help us through challenging situations, so we don’t do things that increase our suffering or hurt others. We can return to feeling balanced when we get overwhelmed, and cultivate confidence to do the hard things in life—including effectively managing our negative thoughts and difficult emotions. But, it all starts with a mindful pause.
The meditation room and event space at the Buddhist center. I practiced meditation a lot in this lovely space.
A Mindful Practice for Overcoming Jealousy
Now when I experience jealousy or other intense emotions, I think about it differently and work with this mindful practice:
Realize that you’re experiencing a situation that is throwing you off center: The very first step is to recognize that you’re feeling confused, triggered, overwhelmed or uncertain. Remember that these feelings or sensations are okay and are only a signal to tell you it’s time to slow down and observe.
Pause and take a few deep breaths: This will help you calm down, regulate your emotions and increase presence or your self-awareness.
Become a neutral observer: Begin to notice emotions, sensations or thoughts. Stay objective as you notice, practicing acceptance, non-judgement, non-resistance and compassion.
Acknowledge and validate any emotions and thoughts you notice: It was incredibly useful for me to state my emotions and thoughts out loud, but you can also write them down. They don’t have to be different— just accept, acknowledge or validate them as they are. Ex. I am jealous. I think I’m not enough.
Begin to label thoughts as “useful” or “not useful”: Now that you see clearly what’s circulating in your mind, practice letting go of what is not useful or reframe the thought to a more empowering one. Ex. Change, I’m not enough to I am worth it.
Notice any discomfort in the body and take several, deep steady breaths: This will help ease the sensations. The sensations should start to soften after a few minutes of breathing.
Decide consciously and intentionally what is your next step: I didn’t find it necessary to speak to James about my experience since I was able to work through it, but maybe it’ll be important for you to talk to your partner or seek professional help. Do what feels best. If you do speak to your partner, make sure you’re calm and that you clearly understand your needs and how they can support. Let them know this is a sensitive topic before starting the discussion and if they’re open to working together, great. If not, it might be useful to understand if the relationship is best for you and you might consider professional support.
In the end, ignoring the harmful stories we tell ourselves or repressing uncomfortable feelings unknowingly intensifies painful emotions and prolongs our suffering.
Instead, work with mindfulness to let them out constructively, as what you resist, persists.
With enough practice, mindfulness becomes second nature and helps you develop the capacity to work through negative thoughts and challenging emotions effectively so you could support your well-being.
You have the power to CHOOSE which thoughts to pay attention to and which ones to let go of, which is why self-awareness is so important and mindfulness is a practice that increases self-awareness.
I’m wishing you the best on your improved well-being journey and I’m here if you have any questions!
Book a Free Call to Go Deeper
The mindfulness practice above is a great starting point to learn how to overcome jealousy in a relationship. I’ve guided lots of women through this process to help them stay calm and balanced during challenges times.
However, if you want personalized guidance, here are the ways I can support you:
Want to learn more about this technique and how to incorporate it into your everyday life? Check out my mindfulness meditation classes online and see different options to improve your well-being.
Have some questions, book a free call!
Ready to start? Apply here!
Rebecca Michelle | Meditation Teacher
I help women learn how to embrace their emotions and work through them with mindfulness coaching and private meditation classes.
