I thought it would be all rainbow and butterflies...
I have been practicing meditation regularly since 2017 and I really thought meditation was going to solve all my problems and that life would be smooth sailing after sitting in silence for so many hours. But, this couldn't be further from the truth.
For me, this was a huge realization as I thought my self-growth and development journey would take me to the pleasant experiences only promise-land! Even with an aim at a drama-free and minimalist lifestyle, I am not pardoned from what life can throw at cha! And boy did it throw me a curve ball last month.
Most days I feel balanced and life is pretty chill, but one Sunday evening my whole world turned upside down...
Right after my 39th birthday, my dog fell ill. I am terribly attached to this 8 pound little stud named Benni, who has button eyes and a stubborn personality. (Check Instagram here for the cuteness!)
I got Benni when he was 2 months old and we were separated for years during my travel abroad and Covid times. End of 2021, I brought Benni to Zagreb and it's been a joyous reunion for the last year and a half. He's literally filled up my heart!
But Sunday evening Benni was uncontrollably coughing up fluid and passed out several times. This experience scared the crap out of me. I didn't know at the time, but Benni had pneumonia and his lungs were filling with fluid making it impossible to breathe. Later, I would also find out he had a heart condition that caused fluid to build up in the lungs, which created the infection.
I thought Benni was going to die that night...
But he pulled through and made it to the morning. I was emotionally and mentally a mess for weeks managing Benni's (and my own) fragile state.
Even walking down the street, I would cry at the sight of another dog and if someone asked me how he was doing, I would breakdown with an ugly cry, hardly able to speak.
Benni then started having seizures, which made things even more difficult to manage. Let's just say I was holding on by a thread.
During this difficult time, super strong emotions, which I hadn't experienced in a long time, rushed forward and intrusive thoughts made themselves at home in my mind.
Guilt telling me Benni's condition was my fault
Repetitive thoughts that said Benni is going to die and that I could've done more to prevent this
Embarrassment because I was so attached and upset over a dog
Grief at the thought of losing Benni
Extreme sadness when I saw Benni in pain or suffering and there was nothing I could do about it
Where had all my mindfulness tools gone?! Briefly out the window as I was overwhelmed with powerful emotions. But then I paused and started reminding myself of some pretty important things...
I can not change the past and my energy is better utilized in the present moment
All thoughts I think are not true and I could let go of useless thinking and re-direct my attention and focus to more useful thoughts that are going to help me get through this difficult time
I did what I could best do to take care of Benni and thinking I could've done more, creates more pain and suffering
My feelings are valid and there's nothing to be embarrassed about
Benni is still here and I can focus on the time I have left with him
It's okay to be sad and crying is a healthy and natural release. I am allowed to cry and feel sad. FEELING IS HEALING and stuck emotions create bigger problems, so just let them go and let them flow
Every time my mind wandered to a dark place, I observed and brought it back to the present moment. This is where I could meaningfully respond to what was happening in the NOW. Every time I felt strong emotions, I told myself it's okay to feel and let the wave of energy release, until it softened and lost momentum.
Sometimes I sat next to Benni and cried, sometimes I repeated to myself continually, "Stay present and focus on what's happening now" remembering that my mind will make up a bunch of stories, some great and some not so great, but at the end of it all, I get to choose which one to listen to.
Is this easy? Heck no! Is it simple? Yes. This is the practice of meditation. Being with the raw experience of life. Constantly remembering truth. And allowing yourself to feel ALL emotions that arise and let them pass through you like a river.
The more we embrace all experiences and practice presence combined with intelligent kindness, the more we can move through life, instead of getting stuck and making difficult experiences worse.
MEDITATION WORKSHOP
If you want to learn more about this practice, I offer private meditation mentoring that will give you better coping skills for difficult moments in life. Because as much as we want it to be rainbow and butterflies all the time, difficult moments are inevitable. You can find out more here!
