What to do when you experience jealousy…
Even a mindfulness mentor experiences jealousy and nope, I don't like to admit that. But it's honest and actually, it's okay.
Here's a little story that may make you think differently about less desirable emotions that we experience.
Not many people know this about me but I once (actually twice) lived in a Buddhists center in London. While living there I began dating someone for a couple of months as our mutual desire for growth and spiritual understanding brought us together. We even met in India to see the Dalai Lama give a talk on compassion. It was fun while it lasted, but in the long run we weren't so compatible.
When I reflect back on that relationship, two things always come to mind. The Dalai Lama and this other specific moment where I experienced jealousy. Here, I learned a valuable lesson about uncomfortable emotions.
One day I was running the front desk at the Buddhist center and my then companion comes over to tell me he's going to have lunch with an old friend, who we'll call Sarah.
Immediately, my mind went into overdrive and thoughts like, "Who the eff is Sarah? Why are you meeting her?" were yelling in my head.
I replied "Oh, that's nice." with a pretty flat face and tone and continued looking busy. (P.s. I'm not so good at hiding my emotions.)
As "James" left to go to the courtyard to meet his friend, I stayed at the front desk and struggled with a whirlwind of thoughts and sensations. I couldn't even recognize what I was thinking and feeling, I just knew I felt hot, dizzy, confused and overwhelmed.
(Have you ever felt this?)
A few minutes after James left, I stormed off to the kitchen to spy on him and Sarah from the window. (Promise, I'm not normally so creepy.) They looked happy and delighted in each other's company and I felt melancholy, nauseated and annoyed by the sight of their joy.
I could still hear my angry insecurities today (and please excuse my potty mind). "That idiot, that man-stealer. Who does she think she is. She's not even that pretty. He's such a jerk!".
As these thoughts continued to take over my mind, my unconscious attention amplified the stories and further fueled uncomfortable emotions. I became so agitated that I momentarily lost myself, my consciousness and went into a black hole of despair.
My breathing was sporadic, my body felt gross to be in and my mind sounded like a high pitch siren that clouded all judgement. I couldn't think straight, I was beyond flustered and wasn't really sure what was happening. (It was probably a small panic attack.)
After a few moments of vast confusion and huffing and puffing, I said to myself, "Whooaaaa Rebecca, what the hell is wrong with you?! Take a few breaths girl and CHILL OUT".
So I did.
I regulated my breathing, I detached from the experience and I began to sharply notice thoughts circulating in the space of my mind and sensations floating around in my body.
(This is why THE PAUSE IS POWERFUL. After you take a moment to pause, simply OBSERVE. Notice what's happening inside without identification. After SEEING THINGS CLEARLY as they are, you're ready to RESPOND. And side note, just because you see something clearly, doesn't mean it's true.)
As I stood in that kitchen, I noticed a slight headache, a tightness in my chest and knot in my stomach.
I continued to observe my thoughts (INSTEAD OF BEING MY THOUGHTS) and I came to the conclusion my insecurities were surfacing and that my thoughts were complete garbage.
After becoming aware of the thoughts, it wasn't long before I recognized and realized, and even said out loud, "Oh dang, I'm experiencing jealousy." This was NOT an easy thing to admit, but it was honest and a starting point for me to work with.
I continued observing and noticed that I thought she was better than me and I felt like I wasn't good enough for James. Through this observation and reflection, I started to validate my feelings and tell myself a better story.
"Rebecca, how you're feeling is okay". "You're just as good as she is, you're both beautiful in your own way". "James is free to have female friends and this doesn't mean he is doing something wrong".
I was there for a moment becoming aware of the BS stories in my head and feeling through the sensations in my body. This allowed me to elevate the stories to a more uplifting space or at least to a place of neutrality and through steady breathing, that tightness in my chest and stomach slowly dissolved.
Within moments, I felt better.
It took patience, compassion and a high level of unwavering discerning awareness, but it's possible to get back to balance and peace.
As James came back from the courtyard to greet me, I pleasantly asked him how was lunch and he explained that his friend was having some difficulties in life.
James was always a good listener and I was genuinely happy he was there to support her and that I had a moment to cool down and find myself before seeing him again.
This is the cornerstone of my meditation program. Pause. Observe. Reflect. Respond.
With enough practice, this process becomes an invaluable habit of the mind and you develop an important capability to experience all emotions in the space of body, even the icky feeling of jealousy.
This ability to consciously experience emotions (and thoughts) allows them to flow through you more easily, because ignoring or repressing them keeps them stuck and allows them to stay longer (what you resist, persists).
One other important thing to remember when we experience unpleasant emotions, thoughts or situations, is that the situation and sensations will soon pass and you can CHOOSE which thoughts to feed or pay attention to (because where attention flows, energy goes and shapes your life).
If you want to learn more about this technique and how to incorporate it into your everyday life, click HERE for details. This is where you’ll find out how meditation can help you train your mind to elevate your thoughts and calmly transform difficult emotions in challenging situations.
