Part 2:3 My Path to Meditation and Witnessing Family Patterns
Family Matters and Mental Health Challenges
I grew up in a family that struggled with mental health and as a child, I often felt confused by my family's behaviors and actions that often hurt others, and themselves.
It wasn't until later I realized that how we feel inside, affects the outside and ultimately impacts how we treat ourselves, and others.
From as young as I can remember, my mother was depressed. She miscarried twice before adopting me and after, she received so much joy that she had four more children naturally. However, as time went on the joy faded and the depression returned because the underlying issues were never dealt with.
If something feels off within and you seek fulfillment or joy from outside yourself through people, goals, food, distractions, etc. it will be short lived and the “off feeling” will return.
As Rumi said, “These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.”
Meditation and mindfulness help you meet what’s underneath with compassion and non-judgment, which are two core pillars in my program.
When we stop judging uncomfortable feelings as 'bad' and approach them with curiosity and kindness, instead of avoidance or criticism, we develop skills to work with different emotions and at the same time, we break down old patterns.
This is HUGE, although I know not always easy. BUT, with practice it gets easier. Rumi also said, “Don’t get lost in your pain, know that one day your pain will become your cure.”
If we relate to our experiences differently, we'll get different results and practicing mindfulness regularly will help you do just that.
the many hairstyles little Becky was subjected to lol
My Mother’s Struggles and Learning Where the Pain Began
My mother's underlying issues developed when she was a kid, as most do. At a young age, she was criticized for being a chubby child and without a strong support system, she developed an unhealthy relationship to her body and food. In her adolescents, this turned into anorexia and contributed to her miscarriages.
As she got older, her internal challenges evolved into depression and I remember her mood and weight fluctuating to extremes as she tried restrictive diets, weight loss pills and endless exercise programs. (I still remember going to Weight Watchers meetings with my mom lol). Plus, my parent's relationship started falling apart a few years after my arrival, which exacerbated conditions.
When I was six, my parents separated and we moved in with my grandparents. My grandmother often projected a lot of fear, worry and anxiety from her own internal struggles onto my mother and us kids, which created an unsettling environment.
I realized that my grandma's unresolved traumas most likely contributed to many of my mother's internal struggles. My grandma also thought therapy was taboo, so she established the ineffective method of sweeping problems under the rug and pretending they didn't exist. Thanks grandma.
Moreover, if you spoke up about challenging emotions or experiences, you were gas-lit. Thanks again grandma, for teaching me how to not validate my feelings or experience, I appreciate inheriting this trauma I didn't ask for.
Family generational trauma can be healed and it starts with recognizing the pattern. Many can fault the pattern and make it or accompanying emotions unacceptable, but non-judgmental awareness of whatever is happening, is the first step to change. With this, you're already 50% there.
Many of my clients have worked side by side with a therapist and me to learn how to embrace and process emotions and change harmful thought patterns and behaviors. They have reported accelerated results when these two modalities are combined, which I'm grateful to hear.
My sweet mom and me
Wanting Her to Be Happy and a Childhood Spent Hoping
Raising five children under these conditions for my mother was impossible. As the oldest, I often took on the role of caregiver as I watched my mother lay in bed, unable to get up and have the energy to care of herself or her children.
At nine years old, I couldn't fully understand why it was hard for her to start living life. I remember wanting my mom to be happy so we can do fun things together. I wanted her to believe that life could get better and I'd encourage her to go for a walk or try different and easy healthy recipes or think about different ways to take care of herself that felt possible.
But, when you’re stuck in depression and live within the confines of an anxious and traumatized mind, (and an overbearing, critical mother) it can feel hopeless. I remember feeling so sad for my mother because I knew she was in a dark place and it felt like I could never reach her.
Two Lives, One Silent Struggle that Couldn’t Be Overcome
Sadly, my mother was never able to break through her depression and at one point, she attempted to take her life when I was in my twenties. After this, she went into a special care facility and shortly after, she passed away at 49 from heart failure. I believe her depression contributed to an early death as she was unable to properly take care of herself throughout her life.
A lot of these patterns carried over to my sister Siobhan, who was a year younger than me. She had juvenile diabetes and as she grew into adulthood, her physical conditions worsened as her mental health declined.
My sister also struggled with severe depression and chronic anxiety, which in turn crippled her ability to make healthy lifestyle choices. I can still remember pleading with her to repeat positive words to herself and believe that life could get better, but it was impossible. I would leave our conversations feeling exhausted and heartbroken.
With time, poor lifestyle choices led my sister to lose her vision and receive a kidney and pancreas transplant in her mid-twenties. Sadly, she passed away at 31, suffering the same fate as my mother.
my rambunctious sis on the left, me in the middle and a childhood friend on the right
Two Heartbreaks that Made Me Realize How Important Mental Health Is
Seeing my mother and sister struggle to make choices that supported their overall well-being left a lasting impact on me. Through my family’s painful experiences, I realized so many things:
Feeling good about ourselves and properly taking care of ourselves affects our overall well-being (and this includes our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health). I always thought I had a good self-image, but I uncovered a lot of unhealthy beliefs about myself when I started meditating. This allowed me to makeover my interior with a healthy, kind and loving self.
I've grown to acknowledge my feelings, instead of ignoring or repressing them, which was a big theme in my family. Now I embrace my emotions and express them, which has allowed me to discover and create healthy outlets for each emotional experience. If difficult emotions linger or have felt too strong, I've sought therapy and this was especially useful after my mother passed. At first, I felt ashamed to ask for help, influenced by my family's beliefs about therapy, but I learned my needs are valid and that asking for help is normal. Now expressing my needs and feelings has become a natural thing.
I've learned to watch my thoughts and filter out the junk in my mind and meditation has helped me with this, which is why I love it so much! My mind is a peaceful, kind and supportive space by default now. I had to train my mind to be this way through concentrated effort, aka meditation, and it's been the best gift! However, this is possible for anyone if they commit to a consistent practice.
I could have suffered the same fate as my mother and sister, but I made different choices and held different beliefs, which resulted in different outcomes. My childhood experiences were tough, but they also taught me so many valuable lessons.
Just being kids not really happy to take pictures lol
Me and my sister xxoo
A useful exercise to determine if you have a healthy self-image:
A healthy self-image means we feel good about ourselves, regardless of external circumstances. It also shapes whether we feel worthy of good things, people and experiences, without tying our worth to those things.
Some people may believe they need 'x' to feel a certain way, but this is simply not true. Example: I need 'money' 'a partner' 'straight A's' 'to be perfect' 'my boss to like me' 'a lot of followers' to feel good, and this is false.
Pay attention if you tie your worth to outside things to feel 'good enough'. Outside things will always change, so foster internal worthiness first, simply because you exist. You don’t have to be different.
Another way to learn about your self-image is to state, “I deserve good things” or “l am a good person” and notice what thoughts and feelings arise without judgment and with discernment.
Also, observe how you treat yourself when learning something new and you make a mistake. Are you critical or encouraging? Supportive or demanding?
None of these answers are good or bad. These simple exercises will simply show where you are and how you experience yourself internally, which will probably make the next step in your well-being journey more obvious.
Giving Hope to Others Through Mindfulness and Meditation
I may have struggled as a kid with the environment I grew up in, but I always believed it could be better. I'm pretty sure that my belief pushed me past all unfortunate circumstances to where I am today, which is a very peaceful and content place.
I tried to give that hope to mom and sister, but it was too hard for them and that still makes me sad.
I wish to give people like them hope that change is possible. There's a way to quiet the inner critic, overcome the negative inner noise and amplify the voice of compassion and Truth through meditation and mindfulness.
Understanding and accepting yourself and learning how to meet your unique needs is such an important and beautiful gift to give yourself. Even if you don't do this through meditation, I hope you achieve it in a way that works for you.
Want to Dive Deeper?
If you've been thinking about starting a meditation practice, here are a few ways I can help you:
I offer private meditation classes that’ll help you learn how to effectively practice mindfulness meditation so you can improve your overall well-being. Apply here.
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Rebecca Michelle | Meditation Coach
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This blog was more of a vulnerable share, but maybe it's inspired you to believe that change is possible, even when it feels hard. If meditation has taught me anything, it's that the universe or god, or however you want to call it, truly does want you to live a life filled with joy, despite whatever has happened or is happening.
