Part 3:3 Confusing Beginnings and My Path to Understanding How Meditation Actually Works!
Bali Was Calling My Soul
As you remember from the first part of this series, I wanted to meditate because I desired career clarity. I had no idea how to start a meditation practice so I do what we all do when we need information, I went to the internet!
It wasn't long until I found the PERFECT PROGRAM IN BALI! They were talking about finding your purpose, living from your soul, making the world a better place and blah blah blah! I was sold - it was exactly what I was looking for!
What I liked most about the Yoga Teacher Training Program was that it had a strong emphasis on meditation, and not the physical poses.
At that point, I had been practicing yoga asana (or yoga poses) for 7 years consistently and I was ready to focus on my inner-self or space, which included understanding my mind, getting to know my soul and discovering my purpose.
They Rejected Me
With BIG enthusiasm and a FULL BODY YES, I applied immediately!
However, they polite-fully declined and encouraged me to meditate on my own and apply again after a year. I was crushed but also remained positive. Since the program was pretty serious about meditation, they wanted you to have some experience and I had Z. E. R. O.
After that, I went back to the internet to find solutions and I spent the next year dabbling in all kind of practices.
My First Experiences with Meditation Didn’t Make Sense
At first, I was on YouTube chanting Buddhist mantras, not really understanding their meaning. (Does anyone know, 'Om mani padme hom'?) Then I attended a Yogi conference in NYC where we were in a small auditorium staring at a picture of an Indian guru "meditating". I even tried "meditating" by staring at a candle, which left me feeling dizzy. I was completely lost.
After 18 months of trying random practices here and there, I re-applied to the program of my dreams and was finally accepted! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (btw, if you need some guidance on how to start, get my free 15 minute guided meditation recording!)
Fast forward to the first day of my program in Bali and I can still remember raising my hand to ask if I could meditate with my eyes open!!!
(This goes to show how much I knew! Although there are practices you can do with your eyes open, 95% I'd say, are with eyes closed.)
Even though I was "meditating" before the program (honestly, who knows what I was doing before) I wasn't prepared for the inner transformation that would unfold over the next few years, but I'm so happy that I started and didn't give up and I know the same is possible for you too!
To Say My Mind Was B.U.S.Y. is an Understatement
It was through meditation that I discovered just how busy my mind and inner space really was!
Remember, I never wanted to meditate because of my mind, I wanted to meditate because I needed career clarity and guidance and it became clear why guidance wasn't coming. It was because my mind was so cluttered with stuff!
My very first meditation session almost felt traumatic. It was like the lights went on inside and all I could see was a cloud of a million thoughts whizzing by. I could hear all these voices, my grandmother, critical voices I didn't know that felt so real and painful. Eeek!
There were also pleasant voices that came through periodically full of calming wisdom, alongside old memories I didn't like and dreams I wanted to be real.
And my body? Full of sensations I had never noticed before. It was hard to breath let along sit with the constant fluctuation of sensations, thoughts and emotions. And any noise or distraction from the outside I happily welcomed since it was a lot to sit with.
When I opened my eyes, I was like, 'what the hell was that - this is meditation?'.
I felt overwhelmed and especially surprised to learn that I was so unconscious of everything happening on the inside.
It almost felt like I got knocked upside the head with a bag of awareness. Like, 'hey, you need to notice and take care of some things inside, look here'.
I Grew T. R. E. M. E. N. D. O. U. S. L. Y. Through Meditation
As sessions continued, I remained open, curious and non-judgmental of my inner experiences although acutely aware I was exploring unchartered territory.
In my everyday life, I had noticed some things on the inside, but I never really paid attention and meditation is the act of paying attention.
Flipping attention inward and holding it there was challenging and as time went on, I became better at sitting with the inner swirl of experiences.
Eventually the swirl slowed and I was able to see "individual swirls" more clearly, which gave me HUGE insight into my thinking patterns, thought processes and emotional experiences.
I LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF THAT I CAN WRITE 1,000 BLOGS ABOUT IT. But if I can leave you with some key lessons, I'd say:
make time to understand and KNOW YOURSELF and unconditionally love yourself, knowing who you really are gives you freedom and loving yourself completely gives you power
learn from your experiences, LOOK FOR THE LESSON IN YOUR CHALLENGES OR SUFFERING by simply asking, 'what is this teaching me?' because the sooner you become conscious of the lesson and respond differently, the sooner the 'obstacle' disappears and you begin to blossom
look at what you resist or avoid with compassion, what you resist holds more power over you than you could understand, GENTLY OPEN YOURSELF UP TO THE DISCOMFORT (within your capacity) to again, understand yourself better, meet your needs and move forward more consciously
In 2017 at my Yoga Teacher Training Program
My Teachers Were Essential For My Growth
Before my teachers, I was lost! I'm so thankful for their guidance and holding the space energetically for my self-understanding to grow and wow, did it expand!
It was so helpful to ask questions and clear up common misconceptions, I received endless tips to increase mental clarity, focus and concentration, as well as tools that helped me break free from cycles of overthinking, intrusive thoughts and negative emotions.
My teachers also helped me stay consistent, which is crucial to amplify the benefits. I was a pretty good student and when they gave instruction, I just followed even though I faced challenges with the practice.
For a long time it didn't click and then one day, IT CLICKED AND THE LIGHTS STAYED ON! This is also when I started to feel my inner guidance system come online and I began to feel more confident meditating on my own.
From there every time we sat, I was like, 'what am I going to witness and learn today?' More realizations poured in and I learned so much! Needless to say, learning how to open myself up to my inner experiences was life changing.
I returned to the same program again in 2018 and 2019
I Couldn’t Get Enough
Because my meditation program was so transformative, I returned the following year, and then again the next year.
Overall, I received 400 hours of Yoga and Meditation Teacher Training, 50 hours of Advanced Meditation Training and 25 hours of Yoga Nidra Meditation Training. I even spent six months living and volunteering at a Buddhist center (pictured below!) so I could deepen my meditation practice.
I also got certified in Hypnotherapy because I love working with the subconscious mind (btw, with meditation you're still working with the subconscious mind, just in a different way).
At the Buddhist's Center in 2018
My Practice Simplified and Evolved Overtime
Even though I loved everything I learned, I later realized that many of the practices were very technical and I preferred simplicity.
In the program we practiced Kriya meditation, which required focusing on a chakra, chanting a mantra or sound that creates a vibration, breathing in a specific pattern (aka pranayama) and holding a particular hand position (aka mudra), all at the same time.
While I LOVED everything I learned and I did continue with this practice outside of the program, I eventually shifted over to mindfulness meditation because it was simpler, just as effective and easier to practice.
(I still incorporate some esoteric techniques in my coaching program to give practices an extra boost of focus and meditators have loved it!)
One of the first meditation workshops I led in 2020
Bringing Ancient Wisdom into Modern Meditation Practices
Because meditation transformed my life, it felt like the most meaningful thing I could share with others! Obviously I found a career that's joyful and fulfilling and I know meditation will help you find the answers you’re looking for too, as well as improve mental, emotional and spiritual health.
If you're new to meditation, I HIGHLY SUGGEST YOU START WITH MINDFULNESS MEDITATION because it's straightforward, you'll learn so much about yourself and it easily adapts to different stages of your personal growth and development journey.
Also, the formal practice naturally evolves into a mindful lifestyle, which is what we want; moving from mostly not present living, to 24/7 presence and conscious creation!
Want to Go Deeper?
I know how confusing and overwhelming starting a meditation practice can be, especially in the beginning. Coaches are so valuable for this and I couldn't have done it without my teachers. If you want support on your well-being journey, there are three ways I can help:
I offer private meditation classes that’ll help you learn how to effectively practice mindfulness meditation so you can improve your overall well-being. Apply here.
I have a free Mindfulness Newsletter you can join for more meditation tips and mindfulness guidance!
Get my free 15 Minute Guided Meditation and start your day feeling relaxed, present and grounded!
Rebecca Michelle | Meditation Coach
Helping you create a meditation practice you love and improves your overall well-being!
